Ups and downs are just the situations on the path of all of us, and I start to have kind of habit of it. The swing of mood, the swing of emotions.
With the practice of yoga, the swinging became lesser and lesser, and I learnt how to welcome the moments of “downs”, the moments of pain, as a precious lessons of the life.
Finally the moment came, I proclaimed that now I m fine, I can just “observe” my ups and downs, but I don t really give into it, and the feeling of omnipresent and overwhelming Love for all beings is the constant in my everyday life.
Nothing is more dangerous on the yogi path then self complaisance. The feeling that it is done, now I can handle. It reminds me the moments in India, when after many struggles we had the feeling being established and “control” the situation…and it was exactly the moment that some unpleasant surprise came. You lower your awareness, the life bring you the new hit.
Monday, I get lost. Luas (the local train) brought me to some unknown place, and while watching around and waiting for the train back, under storm, rain and wind, I had the feeling of desolation. Have a look on the picture…it just look like desolation! However it may bring also some new realization…
So here we go, I just needed to be reminded of 2.10 Sutra of Patanjali:
2.10: te pratipasava heyah sukshmah
When the obstacles do not seem to be present, it is important to be vigilant. (Desikachar)
With the cold weather came the tremendous feeling of fatigue and total lack of energie. My only wish is to stay in my bed and sleep, stay warm, not to move. My brain feel like paralyzed and within few days I passed from my loving beatitude to dark depression feeling.
The solution looks easy, let s blame the weather. From the weather, I can also blame the country, and then I can easily end up blaming my husband: Why the hell he brought us in such a place when there are so many beautiful warm sunny places on this Earth? ( Did “I” forget how I was complaining about the heat in Mumbai?) Let s watch outside, find all possible reasons and pretexts why I m not well, and avoid carefully to watch inside. You know, girl, that you can find crap!
For 3 days, I was not vigilant. For 3 days, my awareness lowered and I went to the trap of ego and old patterns, I gave into the trap of “weather and wet and cold” instead of watching what this “cold and wet” is bringing out of my subconscious mind.
Well, dark, cold and wet is bringing up fear, tears and darkness. While discussing with my teacher my next step in my own teaching I realized that the weather is just bringing up my own fears and anxieties that were planted longtime ago. The divorce of my parents, lack of emotional security, deep changments on the level of “family unit”…then the Velvet revolution and fall of communism, in the cold November 1989, moments of victory, for sure, but also fear and facing the deep changments in the society… moments of moving to Frankfurt with 2 babies and long depression fallowing this “one move too much”.
So now, I can stay in bed, in my winter coat, under blanket, wish wool pants and socks, oh yes, I m “relaxing” in such a outfit last 3 days, and i can take the old pains one by one, sit with it, take a sip of coffee with it, make a peace (over and over again…), and move on. The fact is that I m too busy to build, to create, to do something constructive. I just found out that I need to spend some time in DECONSTRUCTING and find out the obstacles that are here, in me, and they are not letting me be who I am. Instead of new “layers” of activities, people and teaching, I need to stop and sit there, and the nice puzzle I put together of myself has to be undone and maybe the new picture will be more authentic.
And maybe, only maybe, at the end of this peacemaker process, I will feel the warm and heat again. In the mean time, I m trying to stay in the good company and warm my heart.