It is now nearly half year of difficult time in my life. The personal catharsis. I have to remember often the words of my teacher saying that more we advance on our spiritual journey,more the lessons will be difficult. The Universe is putting on our shoulders only what we are able to hold. Well, I have feeling I passed from Primary school to Middle school. Schedule is longer, homework more challenging, teachers multiplied and exam papers take the all new meaning.
I was always teaching that de-coloring our Mind of our false perceptions and distortion is like get rid of the polish nail: one layer after another, we have to repeat the operation several times with several cottons pads because at the first we get rid of the gross,but then there is still some pinkish reminders that we have to dissolve with patience and repetition.
I polished and de-colored many thin layer in past 7 years, and at the moment when I felt like “I get it”, with little ups and down, I jumped and crushed in deep black hole of unconsciousness. I call it spiritual arrogance and this is exactly where I needed to smash my face and remember: When you think you know, you know nothing.
Trough pain and suffering, mine own but also loved ones around me, I m getting to new layer of mud and dirt. Digging into my past, childhood and teens years, I am discovering old pain and damages. To my astonishment I watch how I acted like a puppet while believing that I am aware and master of my destiny. The triggers were activated and infernal machine of self destruction went into the karmic round of suffering.
I cannot say it is over. I cannot say the dirt is cleaned. The change is a process and every Spring cleaning take a time and need to create first bigger mess. But at least I see the mess. At least I am aware that there are dirty laundry in the cupboards. The work is huge but hey, desperate housewives are the best to get it done!
I watched myself in one of those dark down moments, contemplating the blackness of the hole, and for moment I stopped to struggle and agitate myself in the discomfort. Yes, this is what asana practice teach us well: relax, breath, and go trough the discomfort in effortless way.The only way out is the way trough it.
And then I get it. Simple, pure, easy.
When there is nothing more, there is always LOVE.